From Dr. Amy King’s monthly “Ask Dr. Amy” column in Asian Avenue Magazine. Submit a question of your own.
Dear Dr. Amy,
I grew up in an immigrant family and have been, for lack of a better name, the “Golden Child” in my family. I have siblings who have been successful in their own right, but there’s always been the most pressure put on me to succeed, achieve, take care of my parents, take care of my family, and fulfill the hopes and dreams of the elders. Honestly, this pressure is crushing. It looks great on the outside, but internally I am filled with self-doubt and worry. I don’t know if I’m actually happy with everything I’ve accomplished. How do I cope with all this pressure?
— Failing as the Golden Child
Dear Failing as the Golden Child,
What you’re describing is a reality many children of immigrants know well, even if they rarely talk about it openly. Being the “Golden Child” often looks enviable from the outside. Others see the accomplishments, the responsibility, the success, and the ability to make your family proud. What they don’t see is the invisible burden that can come with carrying so many hopes, expectations, and responsibilities.
Over time, this role can create tremendous internal tension. You may feel caught between your own desires and your family’s expectations. You may experience guilt when you prioritize yourself, obligation when making important life decisions, and a deep fear of disappointing the people you love. Many people in this position also struggle with self-doubt. Despite their achievements, they secretly question whether they are deserving of their success or feel as though their worth depends on continuing to perform, achieve, and care for others.
Perhaps most importantly, you may find yourself feeling disconnected from your own wants and needs. When so much attention has been placed on who you are expected to be, there is often little room to explore who you actually are.
The work of healing often begins by turning toward the parts of yourself that have historically been ignored. Not just the capable, successful, dependable part, but also the part that struggles, feels uncertain, needs support, makes mistakes, or wants something different. The goal is not to get rid of the strengths that have served you well. It is to make room for the rest of you, too.
This requires practicing self-acceptance around your vulnerabilities and limitations. It means becoming curious about your own wants and needs in ways that others may never have been. What brings you joy? What matters to you? What kind of life would you choose if you weren’t solely focused on meeting expectations?
As you begin to discover those answers, the next step is courage. It takes courage to pursue what you want, especially when it may not perfectly align with what others want for you. Sometimes those desires will exist in tension with family expectations. That tension can be uncomfortable, but it is also a necessary part of becoming a more complete version of yourself.
You are more than what others expect of you. You are a full person, with dreams, needs, strengths, weaknesses, and desires of your own. The challenge is not to stop caring for your family, but to learn how to include yourself among the people you care for.
If this sounds familiar, our page on therapy for high achievers goes deeper.